i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
