Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
