I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
