i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
