I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
