i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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