High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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