I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
