Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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