Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
