I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I need to stop coming to work sober
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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