just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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