I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
