I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
