What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
