I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
