If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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