I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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