I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
