The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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