somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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