I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
