So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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