i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
