Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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