dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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