you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
