Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Everyone says I win the strip club
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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