Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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