My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
What a dumb baby whore.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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