There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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