he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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