He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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