i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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