Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
