you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
