Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
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May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
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Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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