just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
