If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
