I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My penis needs a shock collar
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
