i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
