Your mouth is God's brothel.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
