I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
