I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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