You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
