Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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