she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
