I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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