All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
