Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
