I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
