I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
