The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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