MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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