I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
