i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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