i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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