i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
